Whiplash - A Short Piece Written In The Style Of Maybe

So I honestly tried to say goodbye. I went as far as telling him I couldn't see him again, it was hard but I really tried. “We had fun” I said, meaning every word. At that moment in time I meant it. I had crashed out over him one too many times. I had been scraped up off the kitchen floor by caring friends one too many times but the time they asked if I loved him…

But two weeks later we were talking again. My secret shame, I can't stay away from him. We can't stay away from each other. I'm a dickhead for that man. 

We spent the weekend on the coast and I was nervous to see him until his hands were everywhere and the familiarity felt like home. But after catching up, I walked away thinking I was fine, like I was finally done, like it didn’t bother me if we were only ever going to be casual. I was wrong.

He came back different. After that weekend the vibe shifted. He came back more affectionate, more open and in his clumsy way I could see him trying to move forward. He took a job close to my home, he was coming to see me instead of the other way around, it felt like progress. But then, like the middle of any romance movie, everything fell apart. Everything got in the way of what should have been great. 

He blew the ass out of his car, ruined the tires on his motorbike and then was offered and took a really great job back home. I understand why he took it, I really do, but fuck the disappointment of not having him around for as long as I had hoped hit me hard. I think it hit him too. 

We were secure in the knowledge that we had a couple of months together, time to see each other more than once a month. Time to grow together to see if this thing that sits between us is worth the distance and then every test under the sun was put in the way. 

Then he shut down and the cycle began again. Following 20yr olds on social media, disappearing for multiple days and then coming back like nothing had happened. 

“Did you butt dial me?”

“no, but you don't want to talk”. 

And then without trying again, gone.

I've seen it before and I know enough about attachment styles to understand what's going on, not just with him but also in my reactions to his behaviour. My fear of being replaced by younger, hotter, closer to home burrows its way into my mind and eats me from the inside out. I pretend I don't care but I care. Fuck I care. Knowing what's happening doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make it hurt less. 

It's hard when he gets vulnerable, when we get close and then he runs from it. Runs to find freedom or distraction in something with no meaning. Maybe I read too much into it when you said you liked me? Please don't blur the lines between casual and caring when your words and actions make my heart skip a beat but the shut down makes my heart stop. Poetic

I have the patience to wait but how long do I wait for a man whose fear may be stronger than his ability to love? Maybe he might never have the capacity to fully let me in. 

Maybe I'll ask my tarot reader and she can give me the answers I need.