I've got a mate coming round with an 8 ball of coke, im gonna get uppa! What an opening move! Most guys respond to “what's your karaoke song?’ with Chattahoochee by Alan Jackson but not this guy. Not the irish prince charming. When the fuck did I get so blinded to red flags? Like I don't know why I kept talking to this guy? I did though and initially I was into the love bombing, the constant rapid fire texts, the photos of him with his kids made him feel normal and sweet. I even ignored the whole ‘all my ex’s are crazy’ scenario and his weird dick. It was like that clip from the opening of the movie Grease, where Rizzo gets her head stuck in a turtle neck jumper, except in this instance the head was stuck in his foreskin.

He brought a lot of big dick energy to the table over a text but when we face timed things were very different. I was drunk, which didn't help his case in the slightest, I'm mouthy, ballsy and horny when I drink. Very few men have had the testicular fortitude to keep up with me. Most guys prefer when I'm quiet, nay, timid and shy but drunk me is a force to be reckoned with and it is hot as fuck to come across a man who can stand toe to toe with me after 5 shots of tequila. 

So 8 Ball didn't stand a chance especially when he answered the phone laying on his stomach and kicking his legs in the air like a girl. I was laying in bed eating a cold hungry jacks burger. I remembered thinking it would be such a great idea to have a burger waiting for me when I got home. In theory it was a good idea but the reality of the situation was much less appetising. Much like 8 Ball. He told me how hot I looked and he wanted to see my tits. Silly boy, I knew how I looked eating my congeled chips drunk as fuck. I have never wanted a conversation to be over as much as I wanted this one to be done. So I flashed the boy a tit and hung up. The next day he messaged and told me I was sexy and he couldn't stop thinking about me. I told him I was with my family and might be MIA for the day. I never spoke to him again. 

The love bombing and the coke are huge red flags but it was his soft cock energy and the fact that he wanted to move so fast that turned me off. If Whiplash has taught me anything it’s that slow and steady is a good thing. And if I'm being completely honest, part of the reason I stopped talking to 8 Ball was because he wasn't Whiplash. He didn't have the confidence that Whiplash has. He could never keep up with me, drunk or not. I know I've had a thing for Whiplash for so long and I compare everyone to him. I don't understand how one guy can come out of nowhere and literally change everything. How does one person get so inside your head? 

My sister thinks I have some weird connection to him because he was the first guy I slept with after years of not getting laid. The truth is I thought he was cool when we met but after our first night together, I never expected to see him again. It wasn't until we started video chatting weekly and talking for hours that a little crush developed and then after he took me away to Hervey Bay, things changed, for me anyway. And then they really changed when we went to the Island for the first time. The way he looked at me had changed. It's hard to explain but I know my experience and I know how it was for me. I just wish it was the same for him. And maybe it is but if he can't admit that to himself we can never move forward. I would 100% move to be with him but I can't move for a guy who only wants to be around casually and said he would never ask me to move for something he couldn't guarantee. 

It's a fair call to make, I would feel so guilty if a guy uprooted his entire life to be with me and then things didn't work out. The reality is though, that nothing is guaranteed. We both got married, that's supposed to be a guarantee. Everyone says you only get married once but statistics will tell you that is not the case. I still want, with every part of my being, for him to call and tell me he wants me to move. I want him to tell me he cares. I want everything his best mate's girlfriend said to be true. There's a lot of things I want but might never get and right now that's a hard pill to swallow.