All Signs Point To Anywhere But Here

I need to eat, pray, love. If you have read the book or seen the movie and don't think it's brilliant, then honestly, I'm convinced you must have your shit together, because I need a whole new start. A new beginning where no one knows me. A new job in a new place and a whole new me.

The start of that movie hits a little too close to home. I'm ashamed to admit I have sat on the floor crying, asking the universe to get me out of my shitty marriage. I have asked for sign after sign that tells this new man feels what I feel. And the truth? I know he does. He told me as much, and so did his friends. But that doesn't change the fact that he still won't choose me. 

Sometimes I wonder, did I lose myself in the first man to come along after my marriage ended? I have feelings for him, I know I do. But are they the right ones? I’m mad at him for bringing me into his world, for introducing me to his family, his friends and their kids because now I miss them too. I’m mad at him for treating me so well. For opening doors and pulling out my chair. For planning thoughtful dates. We rarely ever sat around doing nothing, and the few times we did? It was easy. Chill. We’d nap, eat, and watch movies. I'm mad at him for making it feel real when maybe it wasn't. Or maybe it was real, and he’s just scared. Maybe he’ll come back and it’ll be amazing—but the wondering, the waiting, the crying... it sucks. My mind is spinning. Is he sleeping with someone else? Is he thinking about me too? Maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither. Who knows. But what I do know is this—I can’t keep waiting around.  I'm losing myself in this connection. 

I need to find myself but saying that feels so cliche. Only guys with shitty goatees and greasy man buns go out and find themselves. Middle aged women with good jobs, children to support and solid friend groups, aren't supposed to go out and find themselves, right? However when all your days end with music and let's drink about it until I can sleep, there's probably a problem. Lets bear in mind that I'm a week away from getting my period and something in the sky has just stopped retrograding so this is probably all hormonal chaos and in 10 days I'll be like ‘move bitch, get out the way’ and all will be well in the world. 

I thought I’d done all the self-discovery I needed after my marriage ended. And sure, I’ve learned a lot. But there’s still so much I don’t know. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Is there a deadline for that? When are we supposed to be a grown up and pick a career? Because I think I missed the memo.There are parts of me I haven’t even touched yet. Things I want to change. Things I used to love that now make me cry with frustration.

And I’m tired, so tired, of people wanting the old version of me. She’s gone. She doesn’t live here anymore. Stop calling me back to a life I’ve already outgrown. I don't want to fill the void with bullshit. I want to live, like really live an amazing life. Im about to turn fucking 40 and I feel like Ive done nothing. I feel like I've completely outgrown where I am. 

Maybe I need to go away. Not just for a week but a lifetime. Maybe I need a shift in perspective, or maybe I need to start again. Somewhere new. The idea wont let me go. Some might say I'm running, and maybe they’re right. Maybe I don't want to face my problems. Maybe I can’t heal in the place that broke me. Maybe I need time away to sort my head out. Maybe running is the best plan after all. Maybe running isn't a weakness. Maybe it’s the smartest thing I’ll ever do.