How You Gonna See Me Now

I am quite often mistaken for an asshole. It's not my fault I was born stunning but intense, I have what is most commonly known as a resting bitch face. My meticulously sculpted brows have been referred to as, and I quote, 'aggressive'. I pay a lot of money to make sure each one is arched to perfection and I'm not going to soften my look just because you find me intimidating. Ask yourself this question, am I intimidating or are you intimidated? 

For those willing to take the time to delve deeper than surface level you will find I am not in the slightest bit aggressive, I am, in fact I am very much the opposite. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I care deeply and am incredibly loyal to those who have taken the time to climb over my very high and tightly guarded walls. I will cry if you hurt me and spend too much time trying to work out what I did wrong so I can be sure not to do it again. Even if the issue wasn't my fault in the first place. 

If you care to ask you will find that music hits my soul harder than anything. If a man that I am interested in shares music with me I will fall for him and if it doesn't work out, I can never listen to those songs again. The feelings connected to them are too much for me to handle. I’m a scorpio and anyone who knows astrology understands the scorpio woman looks stoney from the outside but still waters run deep and she loves harder than most. If you care to ask, you will find that I paint when I am happy and I write to clear my head. If you care to ask, you will find that I remember every single special thing you have ever done for me and I remember all the little things about you. Your favourite colour, favourite food, I remember your birthday and the way your eyes sparkle each time you get close to sharing your feelings with me. 'sigh' this man has a choke hold on me. 

I have friends who love the sound of their own voice and we talk all the time but because they have never bothered to stop and listen they know nothing about me. Then there are those that I have only just started to get to know who didn't just talk to me with the intention of pushing their ideas on me. We talked because we were interested in what the other person had to say. Those are the people I can’t wait to spend more time with. Those are the people who will become true friends because they took the time to go deeper than surface level. 

It's a hard thing for me to let a person in. I've had my fingers burned too many times and grew up with comments like 'why do you have to be different' or 'you're only doing that for attention'. My parents did the best they could and I love them to bits, actually let's be honest, I love my dad to bits. Mum can get stuffed. My dad did the best he could but he grew up in a generation where different was frowned upon. I remember having a conversation over dinner one night where we were all excitedly discussing what we would do if for some reason we got to school the next day and no one else showed up. I said I would turn my music up to the max and dance around the empty rooms. Dad said “no you wouldn't, you would only do that if you knew someone else was watching”. Well guess what I do almost every day dad? When I'm home alone, I turn my music up to the max and dance around the empty rooms singing at the top of my lungs. It's the best form of therapy. After 40yrs of being his number one daughter I still feel like he doesn't know a single thing about me

Maybe it's my fault that no one really knows me. When I am with people who talk over the top of me I don't fight them for attention. Unless I’m drunk and mouthy that is. But I figure what's the use. They aren't in the right mind frame to listen. It is much easier to be loud and draw attention to yourself than to break down a wall and find out the realness behind a person. The realness is gold though. The realness is where all the good stuff is hidden. And for some people, myself included, being real and learning about another person's realness is scary. But when you get to the gooey caramel center of a person that is where true friendships are born. That's where amazing relationships come from. Trust me when I say that's the bit I long for. 

If we are connected in any way shape or form don't be intimidated by my aggressive eyebrows, know that my quiet comes from taking it all in, not from a place of anger. Listen as often as you speak. because a friend in me is a friend in deed and if you're the lucky guy I can see myself spending a lifetime with you can feel confident in the knowledge that you have me, all of me for as long as you want me. If you are willing to put in the effort required to break down some battle hardened barriers around my heart you will find a woman who will always have your back no matter the situation. You could be dead wrong and acting like a twat and I will still be standing in your corner saying 'that's my man". So in the words of Alice Cooper, 'How you gonna see me now, please dont see me ugly babe'. Know that behind my tough facade is a woman who wants everything with you. My resting bitch face, as ugly as she may seem, is nothing to be afraid of.