It Takes A Village Of Dodgy Dudes

For some people, myself included, it takes multiple questionable men and a full-blown series of dating disasters to teach you boundaries, self respect and what you really need and want in a relationship. After 15yrs in a marriage that showed me what I really didn't want, I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out I was wrong. I knew I wanted effort, I knew I wanted great sex but past that, all I really knew about my needs in a relationship was that I didn't want to settle for some loser who would let me walk away without trying. Especially if that loser has a male pattern baldness and kisses like a labrador inhaling food. 

My time on the dating scene has introduced me to many nice and not so nice men. A colourful cast of characters, who on the surface seemed lovely but after digging, nay barely scratching the surface, became clear they were very much less than lovely. 

There was the fireman I met while camping. A gentleman with Magic Mike dance moves and a fire hose the size of which I hadn't had the pleasure of experiencing for a very long time. Things heated up fast, bushfire fast. He and I had a great time together until he followed me on instagram the next day and I discovered he had a girlfriend and was the very tender age of 19. Neither of us knew or cared about the age difference in the heat of the moment. I had had a dry spell, a drought so long the farmers were concerned. I was on a hair trigger, a stiff wind would have got me there. He was hot and very eager to please and the first guy I had been with where I actually asked for what I wanted in bed or should I say in the bush. I told him he could finish me and then I would finish him. He gave it a solid crack but needless to say neither of us was getting off that night.

There was the Cowboy, a guy who finger blasted me so hard I needed chafing cream. He was in love by day four but when I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and I needed to finish things because he was falling too fast, he got drunk and had a go at me. Cool move bro! I later found out he’d been trying it on with three of my friends, and I was just the idiot who fell for the act. To be fair, I met him while ovulating and all the red flags looked like love hearts.

There was the guy who drank protein shakes made with tuna and pineapple, go straight to jail! The guy who told me he was 6 foot tall but ended up being shorter than me while I was sitting. 

‘Edward Scissor Hands’ had the longest filthiest fingernails known to man. He was also the first guy to make me laugh about the size of his dick before I had even seen it. “I don’t even like the look of it,” he said before sending me a picture. Uh, dude? Don’t make me laugh at it beforehand. Tell me you're going to destroy me with it and then send the photo, I'll laugh about it after.

I was stalked by a guy who managed to learn everything about me after we switched numbers. I thought I was getting a tattooed powerlifter. What I really got was a fat truck driver. A sexually aggressive fat truck driver who I quickly blocked from everything. I went as far as deleting all my dating profiles and starting again from scratch after that one. 

‘Cum Bucket’ was the cute nickname I was given by a guy resembling an angry Mark Wahlberg. He told me straight up: “I'm blunt. I'm a nice guy but I'll probably act like an asshole because I am an asshole.” At least he was honest. After receiving a video where he proceeded to angrily hit his dick on his phone, I ghosted. Bro why so mad? At first he seemed to be a good parent and very understanding about being a mum and kids coming first, I'm not a total idiot, I don't talk to assholes. They all seemed great in the beginning but then he told me it would be cheaper for him to hire a hooker than to come see me. His loss I guess.

I met a man who was still living with his ex despite the fact that they had been separated for over a year. He lost his licence for two years because he refused to pay his speeding fines. Not one fine but multiple fines and I'm no mans taxi driver. His ex wife had to drop him off to our date. When I mentioned this was a concern for me, he got pissy saying he didn't see why it was an issue. He referred to himself as my boyfriend two days after our one and only date. He never got out of bed before 2pm and even after I ghosted him he would message and message constantly. It was funny in the beginning but eventually I blocked his number. It didn't stop him though. He found me on multiple dating apps and continued to push a relationship. About 6 months later I found out he had done the same thing with two of my friends, one of whom was 18. He's in his mid 40’s. 

There was the guy who gave grandpa energy. He was hard to talk to and when he flirted it felt like your grandfather was hitting on you. Kind of a shame because he had a face I could sit on but being good looking isn't an automatic yes. There was the gym bro who sent me dick pics from the toilet at such an angle that I could see directly into his butt hole. There was the dude who wore his hat on top of his head. Not on his head but strategically placed on top. A balancing act if you will. He was cute but the conversation was drier than eating weetbix without milk. There was the guy who looked like he always needed a nap. He was lovely but then he disappeared out of the blue. I figured he had ghosted me but it turned out his dad had died. I sent him a sympathetic message but the chat never picked up again. 

Then there are the guys who really leave a mark. One in particular that I still hope will progress to something amazing and the ones you really fall for are the ones that teach you the most in life. I have learned that nothing is like it seems in the movies. You don't fall hopelessly in love while sharing a kiss in the rain. You fall when you least expect it. You fall when you might not want it and sometimes all it takes is a change in the way they look at you. Sometimes it's the way they get disappointed because you sat across the table from them rather than sitting next to them. It's the way they hold you in bed or the way he kisses the back of your neck. One day your sitting there having a great time being ok with ‘casual’ the next day your thinking “fuck! Im literally fucked” because youve fallen for him. 

That's when the real lessons start. 

You have to learn patience because people don't fall for each other at the same pace. Most of the time one is ready for a relationship before the other and you have to be prepared for the fact that they might never fall for you. They might never be ready for, or want, a relationship. Sometimes they're just not that into you and the harder lesson to learn from that scenario is that you're not at fault. You can't make someone want you and you can't keep trying to be the person you think they want. That's called lowering your standards to meet them on a level you're never going to be happy with. Don't stick around hoping to change their mind. If there's something there, it will become apparent but if deep down you know it's not. You need to walk away, and that shit hurts! It is hard to walk away from the potential you see in a person who won't try. It's just that though, potential, and untapped potential will always sit there refusing to admit it has a problem and probably needs therapy. 

There will always be another guy, another guy who will think you are his dream girl, who will worship the ground you walk on and never put themselves in a position to lose you. A guy who asks for pictures of your face not your tits, who sends you photos of the food he just cooked. One who talks to you about his day, not just his dick. Choosing yourself and making your needs a priority in a relationship is possibly the hardest lesson I have had to learn because when the anxiety between the messages makes the relief of a dick pic feel like love, you know you have a problem. It has taken many dodgy and not so dodgy guys to teach me this and I'm very sure I still have many lessons to learn. But at least now, I know what not to settle for.