Salty, Solo And Sloshed By The Sea

I would like to preface this by saying that when I wrote it, I’d had about 5 wines and two steaks. Yes two. I hadn't eaten all day. I was hungry. What of it????

Travelling on your own is such a vibe! I'm currently holed up in a small beach town eating a very spicy pepper steak in the cutest little Airbnb. The wine is fine, my music is too loud for the neighbours, I'm singing at the top of my lungs and I don't care. 

No one is here to tell me to turn my music down because they “can't hear themselves think.” Guess what dip shit, no one cares what you think and if you had decided to use your brain in any capacity other than basic survival, you could have done so to recognise the absolute smoke show of a wife you were losing. Let the record state that I do not miss that man at all. I am however, wildly disappointed that no one and I mean no one has ever taken the time to realise how fucking brilliant I am. I piss and shit talent all fucking day. 

I am sexy as fuck and I take care of myself. I'm the ‘cool girl’, not a title I gave myself but how many a man has described me. “I can't believe the cool girl wants me," they say while scratching their heads inadvertently pushing their receding hairlines back further and further. “I can't believe the cool girl wants me, but because I'm emotionally retarded I’ll shove my own head right up my ass and pretend like I don't care.” 

Nothing more satisfying than to let a woman fall for you, a woman who would have your back no matter what, a woman who when she loves you, loves you with everything and no other man exists. Nothing better than to let that woman get attached and then to rip the rug right out from under her feet. “Nah bitch, can't give you what you want despite the fact that I've been giving you what you want for the better part of a year. Heaven forbid I should admit that I have feelings and want the same thing. This shit makes me weak right? Who's the man here?” You wanna know something mate, it takes a real man to admit he has feelings. It takes a real man to be vulnerable especially after being hurt. So fucking suck it up and come in correct or you will lose me.

Anyway, back to me.

When you holiday on your own no one can tell you that you've had too much to drink and that maybe, just maybe I’m drunk and rambling, but I'm cute and charming so calm down. 

I've been on holiday many, many times but it was with my ex and his family. To those guys complaining was a way of life. I've never heard a bunch of people complain so much about being at the beach! It's literally my favourite place to be, what's not to love about sand and salt and the ocean. No one tells us to get out of bed early, we can crack a tinny at breakfast if we want. No rules, no work, no responsibilities. What's the problem Helen? 

I'm so happy to be here on my own and to experience this place without someone else's preconceived ideas of it changing my point of view or their shitty attitude fucking up my day. 

Side note: 80’s power ballads are unmatched. I will stand on that hill forever! 

I promise you those guys complained like it was their job, their favourite hobby, like their life depended on it. When my ex’s sister and her husband split I wasn't in the least bit surprised. This woman literally sat in the tent complaining about the fact her man was cooking dinner for her every night. She wanted takeaway, but he foolishly chose to cook her a fresh meal. Fuck how disappointing. I would love that. To be by the beach with a handsome man cooking me dinner while I sip on a glass of wine. To be fair while on holidays, my ex cooked most nights but he was not handsome so it doesn't count. She had it all and complained. I was just disappointed that the only other sane person in the family had left me on my own. Rude!

Now that I have the freedom to holiday how and when I like, I can officially say travelling on your own is the shit! Even if you spend the whole time in a hotel room. For one you're on your own and you can eat, drink and masturbate as much as you like without interference. Unless you leave your fucking vibrator at home, rookie error. Still if you've got the balls and I didn't at first, you can explore the area however you like. You can sit at the beach and smoke weed! You can swim at the hottest part of the day because no one is there to tell you'll definitely get skin cancer if you dare set foot outside at midday. You don't have to waste all your good holiday outfits because no one wants to leave the campsite. You don't have to tiptoe around your partner because they are drunk and sulking with their mum. Seriously, if those two just admitted they had feelings for each other everyone would have been happier. 

If there's music playing at night that sounds like a good time, you can follow that sound and find the party. You can wake up early for a run, be wine drunk by lunch and have 5 shots of tequila for dinner. You might spend the night hugging a toilet bowl but that's your prerogative and the beauty of vacationing alone. Oh also, you get the whole bed to yourself which is one of the best things but being single in general.

One day I will find a man who loves all the parts of me, even the dramatic bits and I'm known to be dramatic (Flicks hair). I will be able to vacation with him and the vibe will be just as good as it is when I'm alone. Until then when I have a shit week at work, you will find me in a cute little Airbnb with a glass of wine in my hand, singing Toni Braxton till 1am in the morning. The neighbours might get the shits but I promise I'll give them a 5 star review when I leave.