Sonder

I have spent the last 20 years in relationships with emotionally unavailable men. This means I’ve felt alone for the entirety of my adult life. Thats a long ass time. There have been people that I have very much wanted things to work out with, one in particular that I formed an undeniable connection with. Someone who makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel seen and heard... until his fear response kicks in and he shuts down. He makes me happy though, I think he's worth the wait and I refuse to be another name on the list of women who did him dirty so I guess I'll just keep trying and either he will reach a point where his fear of losing me is worse than his fear of commitment or he won't and that will be that.  

The dude encourages me to go out and do all the things I want to do. He has never once told me my ideas were shit, he listens, gives advice, we almost get there, and then he disappears, and I realise I’m alone in this again. Until he cant help himself and comes back in and I realise I cant stay away from him. One or both of us is a loser.

I’m learning, though. I’ve never had that before, the good bits I mean. And the good bits with him are really good. But maybe I hang onto those bits and ignore the rest? I've learned a lot while dating this man, actually. Lessons you’ll probably see coming a mile away but it’s going to take me time to figure them out. It always does. It’s hard to see past the fire when you’re standing right in the middle of it. But eventually, the rain comes. The flames die down. They don’t burn as much as they did. God, that sounds bleak. That sounds like heartbreak but I promise you, it’s not.

This is a look inside the workings of my magnificent mind. A reflection of my time on this planet. If you find something useful here, great. At the very least, I hope you’re entertained. I hope it helps you realise that we’re all going through it, in some way, shape or form. We all have our own shit. We’re all smarter and dumber than we give ourselves credit for. The person standing next to you has a life just as vivid and complex as yours, you just can’t see it. And it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to take a mental health day from work. Sure, your boss might get the shits and fire you, they don’t owe you a job. But you sure as shit don’t owe them your time, either.

I hope this helps you feel less alone. Even when life feels like it’s crashing around you, and the thick stream of shit you’re dragging your feet through feels never-ending. Even when you wake up and cry over the same avoidant man every morning and swear you’ll stop talking to him but then he checks in. He asks how your day was, how the interview went, if work was a shit show. Then he tells you you’re amazing. That he knew you’d ace it. Of course they’ll give you the job, he says because why wouldn’t they?

Even when that’s your reality and it feels like no one understands, and nothing will ever get better, I promise you, it will. We are all walking through shit. But the bad stuff just doesn’t last forever, and remember: your bad day is someone else’s good time. Your hard task and shitty experience might seem like nothing to the smiling person next to you because they’re likely hiding a war of their own.

Some smart old guy once said, “For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction.” Meaning what goes up must come down. What comes in must go out. The shit that made you cry every morning becomes the reason you got stronger. The guy who didn’t love you made room for the one who will. That shitty job you hated pushed you to find one that lights a fire in you. But only if you let it. Feel every emotion. Get mad. Get even. Get weeknight wine drunk if you need to. But don’t sit in it too long. Don’t let it consume you. Move the fuck on. If that job, that person, that ‘insert bullshit here’ is meant to be in your life, they’ll find a way to stay, and if they don’t? Let them walk right out the door. 

People see your worth. Whether they admit it or not, they see it. But sometimes the change needed to keep you is more than they’re willing to do. Sometimes it’s not even about whether they want to, it’s about whether they can. Maybe the emotional intelligence isn’t there. You can know all this, feel sad and still walk away. Because whatever the reason, if it hurts you every day, it’s not right for you. But if it makes you smile, hold on with both hands and never let go.

This is happening for everyone around you, all the time. You just can’t see it. And honestly, most of us don’t care about anyone else’s problems because our own problems seem insurmountable. The mountain really is you. Word to the wise: read and reread that book. It is absolutely brilliant.

That big-ass problem in your head? It might not be as big as you think. Did you make a mountain out of a molehill? Did you ruminate on it too long? Did you expect the best and settle for the bare minimum? Did you cry into a tub of ice cream in the dark more than once? I’ll let you get away with it once. But after that? Put on your big boss pants and be a mother fucking gangster.

Know your worth and ask for it. Look at yourself long and hard, make a list of all the things you’re great at, if you need to. But never, ever, let the bad stuff stop you from creating a life you can’t wait to wake up to. Stop wearing your trauma like a badge of honor. Acknowledge it and then move on. I know, I know... that sounds like I Googled a bunch of motivational quotes. But it’s also the truth.

I left my marriage because he couldn’t see how amazing I was, and didn’t feel the need to change until I was asking for a divorce. I left a job I loved because they couldn’t see my worth. Sometimes everything changes in the blink of an eye and everything will keep changing. Some days are hard. Some are brilliant. Maybe I’m having a midlife crisis. Maybe I should just buy the damn sports car and be done with it?

Who knows. Maybe everyone starts a blog after a breakup. Maybe we’re not meant to sit at desks for the rest of our lives in a shitty 9-to-5. Maybe the existential crisis is the whole point, the push to finally do what we love. Because in the end, not much else matters. Be happy. Love the people who make you smile and create a life that makes you want to jump out of bed every single morning because that’s the whole damn point.