The Part I Played

I have spent a tonne of time complaining about some very average men, but it wouldn't be fair if I didn't acknowledge the part that I played in these situations. I have only recently discovered or should I say admitted to myself that I think I have an anxious attachment style. I read too much into situations when I like someone and want it to work. I ignore men when they say they don't want a relationship. I think I can fix the bad boys but the years of not knowing where I stand in relationships has made me afraid that they will always leave. A little bit of silence on their end leaves me scared that I have done something wrong. I've never felt secure and safe in a relationship. Even when I was married. We had so many secrets and he was always so touchy about everything. I never knew what kind of mood he was in. So every message I received came with a little bit of anxiety.

I thought sex without feelings was going to be the answer but it turns out I'm no good at it. Not sex, I'm great at sex, I just can't do it without getting attached just a little bit. I wanted to be, I tried to be but all I got was a tear stained face and weeknight wine drunk. Oh and a cute little nickname - cum bucket. I faked way too many orgasms which only tells the men in my life they already know what to do and don't have to try harder to get me over the line. They think I'm having a good time because I let them believe I was. I change to suit what I think they want from me and half the time I don't even realise I'm doing it until I'm 5 yrs into a relationship going out of my mind because I can't be myself or worse I don't know a single thing about myself. 

I am learning that I might be placing my worth in men. I have spent my entire adult life walking on eggshells around men so as not to upset their fragile egos. I'm learning not to though. I'm learning to stand up for myself but it's going to take some time. I don't have to be perfect for a man to want me, the need to be perfect for a man is crazy. The need to be perfect for anyone is crazy. Men certainly aren't perfect and we accept them for who they are. We love a dad bod but heaven forbid my stomach might have rolls or I might have cellulite. Honestly the apps have been good for my mental health and confidence in this respect. I've had lots of guys tell me how beautiful they think I am, like loads. It's crazy. I can only remember one time my ex told me I was beautiful. I'm sure he said it more than once but it was so infrequent that I can't remember. He never made me feel sexy and the times when I tried new things and felt good about myself he told me I looked like a slut. Literally the first time I ever got lash extensions he told me they were slutty. The reality is a ‘man’ wouldn't care, a boy however.