Turns Out Im Avoidant

After accidentally learning about attachment styles on TikTok, I wanted to see when I stood on the spectrum. I did a bunch of online quizzes and it soon became very clear that I wasn't anxious like I thought. Turns out I'm actually avoidant. Until I catch feelings that is. And honestly if you knew my parents you would understand. 

They did the best they could and my dad is a brilliant dad. My mum leaves a lot to be desired. She hasn't been in my life for a very long time and has tried to gas light me into believing that me and my siblings are the reason she was fucking everyone except my dad. Im pretty sure she fucked my crazy ex. 

There's a reason I shut down when people express emotions. Theres a reason I end up super fucking stressed out and need to spend time alone “resetting” myself with weed and alcohol. It's because everything gets too much sometimes, emotionally, and I don't like to ask for help. 

I don't want anyone to see me cry. I just want to deal with it on my own because when I was a child crying was seen as immature. Mum told my sister she loved her and just smiled at me when I asked. Yep you heard it here folks I had to ask my mum if she loved me. Thanks bitch. When my marriage went to shit I couldn't talk about it because he would flip out and break shit or throw shit. His own son was afraid of him. He's not like that now, we were clearly both unhappy. 

My crazy ex would yell at me for crying. Usually I was crying because he had hurt me or I found out he was screwing someone else but he would make out like it was my fault. I was head over heels in love with my crazy ex. We were engaged. To have the love of your life tell you your emotions are fucked and shouldnt be expressed will make a girl shut down. My ex mother in law gave me an eating disorder because as much as I tried to impress them I was never good enough. I was 6-8 weeks post partum after having an emergency c-section and that bitch told me I was fat and everyone in the room agreed. I then discovered non purge bulimia was the easiest way to get skinny and therefore impress her. It didnt work but what it did do was contribute to my fucking issues. I sound like a crazy bitch. I’m not, I promise. I'm very self aware and know when I'm running my own shit. And I still did all this. I still acted like a twat for useless men. 

It's hard to believe right now but I know someone is out there who will make it ok for me to let my guard down. It might be whiplash, it might not be. I could swipe on someone right now, I could bump into the love of my life in the supermarket and honestly if he was an actual gentleman he would hurry the fuck up.