Whiplash - Chapter Five

So I went to see him again. I nearly didn't. We had a bunch of terrible weather in the lead up to our weekend together and were almost flooded out but the sun came out and dried up the roads so I could go see him again. When i got to his place we fucked as we usually do. He was super affectionate and the sex was great. After we showered I was still getting dressed when he came and stood behind me with his hands on my hips. He looked at me in the mirror and I knew he wanted to say something but he didn't so I broke the silence with “what do you want mister?”. He turned away and said “nothing, nothing at all”. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. I wish I could go back and say nothing just to see if he was going to say something. Maybe he wasn't going to say anything but maybe he was. Who knows. Fuck i hate not knowing. 

We fucked again before going out for dinner with his best friends family. He introduced me to his god daughter and her boyfriend. Still introducing me to people even though he doesn't want a relationship. We went to the pub and I was desperate to talk to his best mate's girlfriend. I was 3 beers and 4 whiskeys in when she grabbed me for a chat. We went outside so she could have a smoke and we could have some privacy. She said to me “I thought you weren't coming back, he told us you weren't coming back”. I said i nearly didn't come back but i'm a dickhead for him, I like him. I asked how long do I keep coming back just to hurt my own feelings? 

She said he had read way too much into the message I'd sent. He thought I wanted to leave my kid behind forever and move in with him. He thought I was expecting to be basically wife’d up straight away. She told him WTF! That is not what she told me. She told him everything we had chatted about while we were on the island. She told me that he's not sleeping with the cleaning lady, he hasn't slept with her for months. He was mad at her because he thought she had told me that he was sleeping with heaps of other people. She got the impression from him that he's not sleeping with anyone else at the moment. Fuck I hope thats true. I hope that's true with every part of me. It makes me want to cry. Fuck I like this man. 

He told her this is the longest he's seen someone since his divorce. But he doesn't know if he wants to come out to Dalby. The drive is too long, he reckons. Fuck I do the drive all the time. I know how long it is! She told him I was happy to move but we would have to be long distance for a little while and he would have to meet William first. She said I wasn't interested in moving in with him and stuff like that would be way off in the future. She said I'm not interested in rushing anything. 

I told her about the chat he and I had. I said ‘I wouldn't move to be slotted into his roster of women on a wednesday night but I would move for let's stop sleeping with other people and see how it goes’. I told her I'm so jealous of the cleaning lady and I don't know a single thing about her. I said the cleaning lady would be wearing her teeth at the back of her neck if I ever saw her. I fucking hope she tells him everything and he changes his mind about not wanting a relationship. 

The night out was so much fun. It was the first time that I have been out with a guy who didnt care that I was a little bit drunk and acting like a moron. He sat with his arm around me while i shout sang the wrong words to all to music. We danced with the kids, he didn't care that I drove and then drank too much to drive home. He just ordered us a cab and then took me home to bed. Not once did he ever tell me to calm down or that I was drinking too much. I've never had that before. This dude doesn't even understand how great he is to me.

The next day he took me for a Harley ride up the coast. I learned two things that day. One - there's nothing hotter than having your arms wrapped around a sexy man on the back of a motorbike. And two - there is nothing more uncomfortable than having a sex bruised vagina while riding on the back of a motor bike for an hour and a half. I needed a bloody ring cushion by the time the ride was done.

We went for a walk along the beach and talked for a few hours. It was lovely and we had planned on checking out a few other places but he could see how sore I was so he took me straight home avoiding as many bumps as he could. Apologising for the ones he hit with a rub on my leg. 

We got home mid afternoon and spent the rest of the day watching movies and taking naps. It was so nice to do normal things with him. I really appreciate that he always makes plans for when we see each other but it's so nice to do the normal stuff too. Like I would be happy to sit on the couch and eat chips and dip. He took me out for dinner and then we went home to bed. It was a really nice chill weekend. And now I miss the guy like crazy. But I know what I know and this is kind of the problem. I know what he's been telling his friends. I just wish he would talk to me about it. I wish he wasn't such a chicken shit bitch. Not that I can talk, I'm just as bad. I'm terrible at talking about my feelings.

I feel like there is more to this story. Last time I saw him I cried half the way home because I didn't know where I stood with him and I was worried he didn't feel the same and that he was sleeping with a bunch of other women. This time I left feeling like we have a chance. I just have to give him some time. I might be kidding myself and I have no idea how much time I have to give him but at this stage I'm going to give him time. I don't know how long I'll keep waiting. At some point I guess I have to move on with my life especially if he's never going to change but for now I'm waiting for him to catch up.