Whiplash - Chapter Four

It's been six months. He introduced me to friends and family and took me to a place he has been visiting since he was a child. The first time we went he told me I was about to meet his extended family. I caught, as you would expect, feelings. And after a conversation with his best friend's girlfriend I decided I should tell him where my head was at. It went down like a lead balloon. 

He said he liked me too but couldn't give me what I wanted. He wasn't even willing to give the long distance a go despite spending the last six months doing exactly that. It hit me harder than I expected it to. The last time we spent a weekend together I cried half the way home. I knew he would be sleeping with other people when I wasn't there. In fact we had both been open about the fact that we were seeing other people but he had made me feel like there was something between us and I caught feelings anyway. His best mate's girlfriend told me he liked me, that he talked about me all the time. She said I was the first girl in years he had taken to the island and talked about having some kind of future with. She said I was the only girl with a name. All the others had strange nicknames like plan B or 24. When I asked what my name was she said you never had one he always called you by name. She said the only thing that stopped him was the distance but when I put that on the table, when I told him I could move he said nah bitch. Not in those words but that's how it felt. 

He was actually really good about the whole thing. We talked and he said he didn't want to lead me on but he still wants to keep talking to me. And he did too. I told him how I felt and after we hashed it out I never expected to hear from him again but he came back. Two days later he was talking to me almost all day. And a couple of days after that as well. We talked a lot in the first few days after I told him I had feelings. We even considered hooking up. I had decided to go away for the weekend and clear my head. I picked a spot that was small and quiet by the beach but close enough to visit my sister if I got bored. I wanted to go somewhere that no one knew me and disappear. 

There was a lot going on in my life at that point. My sleep was shocking. I'm an insomniac at the best of times but when I'm stressed I can run on three hours of sleep for weeks. My hair was falling out, I was wound up and needed to get away. Work was kicking my ass and expecting so much more than they were paying me for, my dad was crook, and I had lost a good friend to his stupid behaviour. Basically I had taken on too many extracurricular activities and stress was eating me from the inside out. 

When he found out I was only a couple of hours away we talked about hooking up. I had been drinking and smoking and the weed told me it would be a good idea. But then he said he should probably give me some space so it didn't happen. Probably for the best. 

Like a dickhead I'm still holding out hope for this guy. I expect there will be another chapter and probably it will be sadder. I wasn't talking to other people. I was off the apps. It was only him for a while and it was good. Until he would pull back. Things would be great with us, we would be getting closer and then he would pull back and be kind of a prick. But two or three days later he would be back. Getting close to me again making me feel like there's something between us. And I think there is. I'll stand by that. I know the experience I had with him and how he was with me. There's something there, he's just scared. The distance isn't the issue because we have been doing it long distance for six months now. The issue is that he's scared. The door is still open with this one but fuck me its hard to deal with. I wish he wasn't worth it. 

I should delete all the messages and videos but in the words of Renee Rapp ‘im scared to delete all our videos cos its real once everyone knows’. I haven't told anyone about what happened yet. Mostly because I'm hoping we still have a chance and i dont wanna have to explain why it keeps going hot and cold. Word to the wise don't get excited about a boy and tell people about him until you're sure it's going somewhere. It's hard to deal with the questions when it doesn't work out. 

I think there is a future with this man. I'm not sure what the future is but he's still there and since telling him i have feelings for him the way he talks to me has changed. Maybe it's in my head I don't know and I won't know unless he has the guts to tell me something has changed. Otherwise it will just fizzle out. When he talks to me now though there's an undertone of caring in each message. For example, when I went away for the weekend because my stress was through the roof and i wasnt sleeping he would message me every day and ask how I slept. When I got home he asked if I was feeling better and told me I should take a week of stress leave. He was asking questions about my well being and he wouldn't often do that before. In the past he spent a lot of time talking about himself. He loved it when I stroked his ego but now things have changed. 

I think if he had stopped talking to me completely the story would be different but he hasn't. He has initiated 99% of the conversations we have had since I told him how I felt. I only started the conversation once. By comparison 90% of the time it was me starting a conversation with him. Not that he wasn't keen for a chat but most of the time I would be the one to initiate it. Maybe this isn't the end of the road for us. Who knows. I sure as shit hope it's not the end.