Whiplash - Chapter Six - One

I think I'm done. I think I've decided I'm not seeing him again. I say ‘i think’ because im a dickhead for that man and if he was to come back correct I would be there in a heartbeat. Even if he was to come back a little bit nice I would probably still cave. We are supposed to be seeing each other in 9 days but I don't think I'm going. I'm not sure to be honest but I don't think I'm going. I can't keep going back because it hurts my feelings every time. Maybe he will realise he's losing me and do something about it. Who knows, but every time I go to see him I make it ok for him to keep treating me like a casual nothing. And it sucks that it might take losing me for him to wake the fuck up cos Im sick of that shit. I'm sick of people not seeing how great I am until I'm walking away. It happened in my marriage, it's happening right now with my job and maybe it will happen with whiplash. I really hope it doesn't take that because I like the guy but after some time, I know I'll be ok either way. 

I want to be with someone who values me and puts me first. I dont want to be with a guy who hides his location mid phone sex because hes heading out to see some other girl and then gaslights the fuck out of me when i call him out on his shit. I don't want to be with a guy who says he didn't invite me up for the weekend because I didn't talk to him for three days. Phones work both ways mate. I don't want to be with a guy who says we don't cuddle after sex, I don't want to be with a guy who can let me fall for him and then walk away like it's nothing. 

I want a guy who spoils me rotten, I want the princess treatment. I want flowers for no reason. I want that ‘run up to him and jump into his arms’ moment and I want it over and over again. I want amazing sex and inside jokes. I want a guy I can't wait to see, who wants to meet my friends and family. I want a guy who wants to slow dance in the dark to an otis redding song. I want someone who thinks all my stupid ideas are brilliant and encourages me to do them all. I want a guy who would never put himself in a position to lose me, someone who would be over the moon to find out I had feelings for them. 

Whiplash was great until the literal moment he found out I had feelings. He said he felt the same but then he changed his tune, and this guy, the guy he is now is not it. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose, maybe this is how it goes with avoidants? Maybe this is the ‘discard’ they talk about. Maybe one day he will come back, apparently avoidants always do. I'm just not waiting any longer. This doesn't mean I'm hitting up the apps again, I'm just not waiting for him. Right now I need time on my own. I need space to get past it and I need to feel every emotion. Something I've never done before. I don't like to be emotional, I don't like to admit I need help, I'm the strong one, but I think that might be the problem. Maybe that's why no one realises how good they have it until I'm gone because I don't show them that. Maybe they don't see that I'm struggling because I never admit that I am. Maybe I'm the problem, nah that can't be it. 

One day I'll meet the right guy and it'll be magic and he will do whatever he has to do to make sure I am a part of his life and I can't wait for it. I say all this now but there's a part of me that thinks the second he messages i'll be right back there and maybe I will but right now I think I'm done.

Whiplash - Chapter Six - Two

I'm going back to see him. My intuition is saying we aren't done yet or maybe that's my vagina talking. My body wants that man and if I'm reading the room right his body wants me to. 

He's done a bunch of very dodgy things in the last couple of weeks and I know this means he has met someone else. There was the mysterious family BBQ that he was apparently told about a month prior to us catching up, he accidentally “forgot” about it and asked if I would be ok to hang by myself at his place for a few hours on the saturday while he was at the BBQ. I told him we could catch up another weekend if he had family stuff on. Somehow he managed to convince his mum to change it to Friday afternoon instead. Convenient.

I desperately want to be wrong about all of this. I want him to tell me he knows hes been a fuck wit and apologise. I want him to admit he has feelings and wants to try for something real. We can move as slow as he needs to, i can give him as much space as he wants but space doesnt mean he fucks other people and im not waiting around for a guy who cant see my worth. Especially when that guy thinks its ok to treat me like crap every time he meets the new flash in the pan woman. Just because i like to play rough and let him fuck me in a way most girls wouldn't doesn't mean he gets to be disrespectful. 

He likes to think he's in control and he's the big man making me submit to his every need. Truth is he only gets to be that way with me because I let him. Because after a long tough week at work i dont want to think, i want to be man-handled and fucked till im breathless. I want to be thrown around the room, I want to be told to get on my knees, I want you to spank me. I need it. It's a release of control and after a long week of being the boss and having to be in control of everything I want someone else to give the orders. He loves that, he loves that I submit to him. He can't get enough and he can have it as much as he wants but only if he does the right thing.

Whiplash - Chapter Six - Three

We had a great weekend together, we fucked like animals so much. We fucked the most we have ever fucked when weve been together. It was hot, I wore him out but I got the impression he didn't want anyone to know I was in town. We were supposed to take his dads boat out for the day on Saturday but then he changed his mind. He said he had been at lunch with the family and asked his dad if he could grab the boat and his son had said it sounds like (Im not telling you my name, Good try though) is coming up for the weekend. But I don't know how true that is. He told me his location was off because he had been talking to a girl on snapchat and she stalked his location. But as soon as the weekend was over his location was back. It seems dodgy. We went for a drive on saturday, he showed me some of the places he likes to water ski, we walked along the beach and went out for lunch. We accidentally bumped into his best mate's girlfriend and she seemed very surprised to see me. So surprised it felt awkward. Even the kids seemed awkward to see me. But maybe that was all in my head. Maybe my doubts are making me over think everything. I made a comment about him having heaps of girls on the go and he said he didn't and that he hadn't had time to meet other people. I want that to be true but I just don't think it's the case. 

The truth is I don't know. Maybe he is telling the truth about everything. Maybe I need to give him some space to come to me. The way he looked at me has changed again. He looks at me the same way he did the first time we went to the island. Maybe there is something there I just don't know because he won't tell me. He's about to start a new job, it'll be 3 months of basically non stop work. He made jokes all weekend about not being able to see each other again until the middle of winter but when I was leaving he said he would work something out because he wouldn't be able to stay away for that long. Then I went home and we didn't talk for a week.