Whiplash - The Final Chapter - One

For my own sanity, it’s time to let this guy go.

I know, I know, I’ve said this a hundred times before. But this time? I mean it. Like, really mean it. He would have to come back with something pretty damn spectacular to make me change my mind.

Because here’s the truth: I’m really fucking great. Like actually great. I’m beautiful, smart, and successful. I own my own home, I’m financially stable, I have no debt. I’ve got a great job. I basically piss and shit talent on the daily. I take care of myself. And any guy should feel lucky to have me in their life.

If a man can’t recognise my value, he’s not worth my time. Full stop. And I’m sure as hell not going to chase someone who can’t even admit how good he’s got it. Get some fucking therapy, loser.

The thing is, he is a great guy. He really is. But his fear of being hurt again has absolutely butchered the vibe. He shut down one too many times. And while I get that he does it out of fear, the fact that he either can’t see or doesn’t care how that affects me? That’s the real kicker. That part? That part is so fucking hard.

The closer we get, the harder the shutdown. I’m exhausted from the emotional whiplash, crying over him one week, feeling on top of the world the next because he decided to come back around.

Before my last visit, things were great, he was sweet, open, close. But halfway through the weekend? He shut down again. I left feeling like an idiot. Confused. Picking apart every interaction, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Spoiler alert: I didn’t.

And I’m done.I’m so over it.

It shouldn’t feel like this.And it’s always going to feel like this, until he gets his shit together. Until he realises that his issues aren’t just hurting him, they’re hurting me, too.

I hope he wakes up to his bullshit one day. Because if he does, he really could be an incredible partner. And sure there’s a part of me that hopes he comes back when he’s figured it all out.But right now?

I need to wash my hands of him. Move on. Because I’m too damn good to be crying over a man’s potential. The truth is, potential is a fucking pipe dream unless you’re actually willing to do the work. And I’m not waiting around for someone to grow up.

Whiplash - The Final Chapter - Two

So… I went back.

Come on, you knew that was going to happen, right?! He did and said all the right things. Told me he liked me for my personality and my brains. Said he wished I lived closer. It felt so good. He was great, at first. But then, like clockwork, he shut down when I got there.

He slid little comments about hooking up with other people into the conversation. Casual, like it meant nothing. I fucking hate that, and he knows it.

Yes, he was lovely and caring and cuddly and affectionate all weekend but I’m starting to close off to him now. I’m protecting myself. Because I know how this ends. I know I’m going to leave feeling sad and confused. I know I’ll spend half the drive home crying because my head’s a fucking mess.

I need to walk away from this man.I know I do.

But I have feelings for him. And saying goodbye to someone you care about, especially when they show you just enough to keep you hoping, is hard. I’m a dickhead for him. I really am.

It’s been a week since we last spoke. And the time between conversations keeps getting longer after every visit. We used to talk every day. Now? It's a week of silence after a weekend together.

I think for him, it really is just fucking.I caught feelings.He got his dick wet.

I tell myself every damn day I’m not going back unless he pulls something amazing out of his ass. But let’s be real, I’ve said that before.

His son has moved back home, and for only the second time in almost a year, he mentioned the idea of travelling to see me.

Maybe if he actually comes to me, we can catch up again.But I don’t know.

It hurts me too much, and I should say no.If he really is into it but scared of being hurt, maybe the knowledge that he might actually lose me will be enough to snap him out of it.Maybe it won’t.

I don’t know.But I do know this:I’m better than this hot-and-cold bullshit.